Meeting with children
A Child Specialist Perspective
Written by Suzanne Alliston for the Family Advocate
As the Child Specialist role continues to develop, it is timely to consider a primary function of the role, which is to meet with children to hear their experience of living in their whānau and to give them an opportunity to discuss any thoughts, feelings or experiences they may wish to share in the context of their care and the plans being made for them in Family Dispute Resolution.
At Fair Way, we deliberately use the term “child meeting” as opposed to “interview”. To interview a child suggests a legal or statutory role which explicitly has the purpose of extracting relevant information from children. In contrast, a child meeting is grounded in an attempt to create a therapeutic experience for the child as a primary goal with a secondary goal being the gathering of information from the child’s perspective, to bring their voice into the mediation process.
The Child Specialists at Fair Way come from a range of backgrounds using different techniques and modalities, however in our interactions with children, we strive to work from a PACE (Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy) framework. The PACE parenting model was created by Dan Hughes, a clinical psychologist specialising in the treatment of children who have experienced abuse and neglect. PACE is a way of thinking, feeling, communicating, and behaving that helps a child feel safe. It helps to promote secure attachments and enables a child to reflect on their thoughts and behaviours without being judged.
We use PACE with the aim of the child having a positive experience where they feel heard and where they enjoy a 1:1 interaction with a safe adult who does not offer judgement about their experience. We can also think about this as attunement, defined by Dr. Dan Siegel in the following way:
"When we attune with others we allow our own internal state to shift, to come to resonate with the inner world of another. This resonance is at the heart of the important sense of “feeling felt” that emerges in close relationships. Children need attunement to feel secure and to develop well, and throughout our lives we need attunement to feel close and connected.”
Attunement allows us to enhance the likelihood of children being open in the child meeting and also allows Child Specialists to model healthy adult/child relationships which are fundamentally at the heart of Family Dispute Resolution.
In our practice, the key elements of child inclusive mediation are considered to be:
- Consulting with tamariki in a supportive and developmentally appropriate manner.
- Ensuring the burden of decision making is removed from tamariki.
- Understanding and formulating the core experience of tamariki within a developmental framework.
- Validating the experiences of tamariki and providing them with basic information that may assist their present and future coping.
- Recognising that the views of tamariki includes their opinions, wishes, choices, preferences, understandings and positions.
Consequently, the child meeting needs to be crafted in such a way as to ensure that these elements can all be encompassed.
Important considerations
Preparation: In meeting with children, preparation is key and applies to both preparation for children and for the Child Specialist. Children do well when they know what is going to happen and why. For the Child Specialists at Fair Way, this means that parents/caregivers need to be provided with resources which assist them to speak with their children about the purpose of the meeting and the wider context of mediation and seek their assent to attend. Critical to the success of the child meeting is that the child feels that they have some agency over the process, i.e. that they can choose to attend, choose what to say, choose to leave and choose what is shared at the joint mediation meeting.
The Child Specialist also needs to have spoken with both parties to the mediation prior to meeting the child. The purpose of these meetings is to gather relevant information about the child including any specific developmental needs and to understand the impact on the child of parental separation and the arrangements subsequent to this.
Structure: Structure provides safety for children and when children feel safe, they are more likely to openly share their views. With this in mind, Child Specialists consider where they will meet the child. Meetings are not held in the home for multiple reasons, one of which is the difficulty in creating structure in the home environment. Holding the child meeting in a private space at school or in a community room or office creates a formality which aids structure. Likewise, child meetings should be purposeful and have a clear beginning, middle and end. Use of play or casual conversation is also purposeful and may serve as an engagement tool or as a way of ending the session in a way which is enjoyable for the child. In addition, for younger children, play is often the way in which they communicate their inner experience.
Child development: An understanding of child development is critical when meeting with children in any context and certainly in the context of gathering information about their experience. For example, a seven year old is likely to be engaged with play while a 14 year old is likely to be engaged by chatting about their friends, sports and interests. Children with developmental challenges may need to be engaged in particular ways especially neurodiverse children and prior discussions with parents/caregivers should include a discussion about their child and their particular needs and interests. Consideration of how best to engage a child or young person is critical to success. Without effective engagement, it is unlikely that valuable information will be gathered.
Assent: The Child Specialists at Fair Way believe that it is very important for children to give active assent to their involvement in a child meeting. This involves restating the purpose of the meeting and exceptions to confidentiality. At Fair Way, assent forms for children and young people have been developed in plain language and children are invited to sign these as a way of determining their assent to continue.
Experience versus views: Child Specialists are cautious about asking children what they want regarding their care arrangements. We understand that it is not developmentally appropriate for children to be making decisions around their care arrangements and doing so can place them in a perilous position. Additionally, research indicates that most tamariki do not want to be asked to choose between adults or determine the outcome of mediation and will often shut down if they believe that this is what is being asked of them.
Child Specialists are clear with children that it is the adults that will make the decisions about care arrangements but that it is important for the adults to hear and consider the child’s unique perspective. Some children will clearly state what they want regarding care arrangements and it is important to remind children that there is no guarantee that this will be the ultimate outcome.
Telling the adults: At the end of the child meeting, Child Specialists seek to review the information provided and ascertain what information the child wishes to be shared with parties at the joint mediation meeting. It is important to remember that receiving information but not wanting to express a view is still active child participation and that the Child Specialist lets the tamariki know this if they do not want any information shared.
Feedback: The Child Specialists believe that feedback post mediation is very important for children, particularly where they have shared their experience with the Child Specialist. Parties are reminded of this during the mediation and provided with a resource to assist them in having these conversations.
In summary
On the surface, the idea of meeting with children to gather information can seem like a simple task however in practice, it is a nuanced careful interaction designed to hold safety at the centre and model healthy positive relationships between adults and children.
The experience of child meetings shows that even young children can have powerful information to share with their parents/caregivers when given the opportunity. A six year old girl who was enchanted by slime and hand puppets during the child meeting told me that when she hears her parents arguing on the phone about her:
“I take myself away and cry with my teddies and then I try to take care of Mum”
It is hard to underestimate the power of parents hearing this kind of information as they seek to make a parenting agreement.
About the author
Suzanne Alliston (suzanne.alliston@fairwayresolution.com) is a Child Specialist working in Fair Way's Family Dispute Resolution team. She is a Clinical Social Worker with 25 years’ experience working therapeutically with children, young people, adults and family groups.
