Changeover challenges
This is the third instalment in Fair Way’s new Separation Series, focusing on the experiences and challenges families face during separation.
When parents decide to part ways, it is the start of a major transformation to family life as they once knew it. Amidst all the emotion that occurs when a relationship ends, creating interim arrangements takes up a lot of energy and focus. Once these immediate decisions have been made, the next phase shifts the focus to navigating the new normal and this can also be quite a challenge for parents.
Whether an interim or long-term arrangement has been put in place, one thing that is often overlooked is changeovers. Ensuring that your child moves from the care of one parent to the other in a safe and positive way can be tricky to navigate. It can be difficult to see your ex. You may still be upset, even angry. You might find it tough to be without your child. You may be worried you’ll bump into your ex’s new partner. Naturally, emotions are running high and there is the potential for more conflict.
At Family Dispute Resolution, our mediators often spend time talking through changeovers with separated parents. This process involves the parties thinking every step through and focussing on what will make the changeover experience easiest for everyone involved, especially the kids. Here are some of our mediators’ tips for planning changeovers. They may seem obvious at first, but they are nevertheless easily overlooked:
The children
The age of the children and what supervision and support they will need at changeovers are important considerations. Younger children, while they are happy to be with the other parent, can find it difficult to say goodbye. We encourage parents to think about how they will support their children with this by creating consistency and making contingency plans for when things don’t go to plan.
Who?
It is essential to think about who should or shouldn’t be involved. Set expectations around who will bring the children to the changeover and who will be there to receive the children - both need to ensure a safe and calm environment for the child.
For example, both parents may be comfortable for the grandparents to pick up the kids from school. They may not, however, be comfortable with new partners being present.
Where?
Consider where changeovers will take place. Is it at your place, their place, or a combination of both? Or, if there are strong feelings attached to territories, is it best to have the changeover occur somewhere neutral for example, at the local McDonald’s, after swimming class or at the school.
What happens?
Think through the changeover process and what you can expect to happen. Do you, as co-parents, want to catch up and use the opportunity of changeovers for building on your communication? Or is this likely to exacerbate conflict?
What rules do you need to make around how you will contact each other? What contact will you have in person, e.g., can you come to the door? Can you text each other?
When things change?
It is always a good contingency to plan for the unexpected.
How will you communicate if something shifts? For example, what happens if the child is late home from school or soccer practice? Or if you need to work late?
Do you agree to have back up carers from your wider family? How will you stay in touch?
Support available
If you can’t agree on these things or if you would like some support to have conversations about changeovers and the care arrangements for your children, Family Dispute Resolution is a good option. Our mediators work with separated families each day, so they understand what you are going through. Our service is affordable and may even be free if you qualify for government funding.
About this blog
When couples separate, there is a lot to think about and sort through. Fair Way supports families through separation each day, so we have decided to create an article series that shares information and advice on the common challenges faced by parents navigating this change.
If you need some support, reach out to Fair Way. Our team of expert Family Dispute Resolution mediators support whānau throughout Aotearoa to create parenting plans. We also provide Relationship Property mediation services when people need to work through how they will divide their shared property. Contact us on 0800 77 44 20 to see how we can help you.
